Monday, August 19, 2013
Here goes nothing
For over half of my life, since the age of 14 I have always been the fat girl. I've been on diets, done weight loss programs, tried medication, and at one point, even considered gastric bypass. I was raised in the South, where everything is better fried, with butter or sugar. It's in my blood, it's part of my culture, it is who I am. I grew up with a morbidly obese Mother, who wasn't always the best example. When I was 20, she had gastric bypass. She tried to convince me to do it and even told me she would pay for it. But deep down, I always knew that if I was going to lose weight, I had to do it myself and teach myself the correct way to eat and be healthy. At the age of 27, I lost my Mom. It was a very scary time in my life. Losing my Mom at such an early age was very hard. I miss her so much that my heart still aches constantly. She never got to see me become a mother, never got to hold my child, I can't call her in the middle of the night with all my silly first time mom questions. In short, missing her has left a tremendous hole in my heart. Now, when she died, I realized a pattern in my family. She died at 64 years old, just like her mom did and just like my dad's mom did. With the thought in my mind that I was only going to live to 64, I decided that my husband and I should start trying to have kids. If I was only going to live to 64, I wanted to enjoy them as long as I could. One year and one week to the day after my Mom passed away, my beautiful, healthy, happy son was born. It was the best moment of my life, one I would not be able to share with my own Mother. While I do believe in heaven and my beliefs tell me that my family will be with me forever; it didn't take away the immediate pain of not having my mom there to hold my son and tell me how perfect he was. I know in my heart, that if my Mom had taken care of her body, she would still be here with me and enjoy watching my son grow with me. My life hasn't always been the easiest, and food has always been there to comfort me. If I'm happy I eat, when I'm stressed, I eat, when I'm sad I eat. Basically, food is my drug of choice. I am sad to say that I now weigh over 300 pounds, this is very hard to "say out loud" into cyberspace for all of mankind to read. It is something I am very ashamed of. For all the success I have had in my life; graduating from college, getting married to the man of my dreams, having an excellent career, traveling around the world, buying a house, and most importantly having a wonderful little boy, there has always been the nagging in my mind that I have failed miserably at taking care of myself. I need to learn the tools and find the motivation to lose the weight so I don't become like my Mom and live to see my grandchildren. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am and what I look like. I know that as a woman, I have tremendous pressure to look a certain way and I know that no matter their size, most women struggle with their self image. But my goals overall, are something I look forward to achieving. One of the first ones on that list is to be able to buy clothes in a normal sized store and not be forced to shop at places like Lane Bryant or Torrid. Some of the other goals I have for myself are to lose 130 pounds, finish a triathlon, run in the park with my son, and fit back into my wedding dress by my 10th wedding anniversary, which is November 2014. While I have been contemplating these goals for a long time and seriously pondering it since my son was born almost 2 years ago, I have often wondered how I could do it. Then the idea of this blog came to me. I thought if people start reading it and following and then I will be held accountable by them. I need that extra motivation and drive. After I came up with this idea, an old roommate of mine from college, Erin, posted something about starting a fitness challenge that was all women. I thought to myself, "I can do that, it's only for 3 months and Erin looks amazing. So, if I follow her plan, maybe I will start to look amazing to." When Erin and I were roommates, I was the skinniest and healthiest I have been as an adult. She would always motivate me and make me go the gym and take classes with her. One of my favorite memories of when we lived together was when we would go to an abs class. In this class, you have to have a partner, mostly so they can hold your feet down while you did sit-ups. While I was doing them I would mumble to her about hating this and asking why she made me come. All the while, Erin would just have her typical Erin smile and tell me to keep going that she knew I could do it. For these reasons, this is why I know Erin would be a great motivation for me. She gets me, she has seen all my insecurities and knows the passion I have for my son because she is a Mom too. So I am going to try and write in this "diary" on a regular basis. I'm not sure what the schedule will be, but it will be regular. I will post pictures of my progress and talk about my ups and downs. I start the challenge with Erin on the first of September. I am really scared, but also very excited to take hold of my future and start learning new habits. Come along for the ride! I hope you find this inspirational, funny, sad, and just plain real. Thanks for reading and I will post next after I start my workout routine and new eating habits.